get me away from here, I’m dying

Rather than studying for the last AP exam I will ever take (wow, that’s a satisfying idea…), I’ve been more preoccupied with this idea of prom. Which is this Saturday. Which is ironic, because although I was the one who once encouraged all my friends to go to prom, just a little a while ago the idea of going to prom seemed like the worst idea of them all. And now? And now I’m back to almost being excited. But not so much with the prom itself–I’m sure it’ll be an interesting experience. Terrible loud music, cliched over dressed and overly groomed people I mostly hate and won’t have to see for much longer, at a random hotel…and most importantly: my friends and I all dressed up in our finery.

Yes, it is not so much the attending my one and only high school dance that appeals to me so much as the dressing up. Finally, an occasion to indulge in my most theatrical outfit ideas and be relatively treated as a sane person! And as I’ve given up on finding that perfect little prom dress and settled on this vintage little number I got a few months back, it is now the idea of a pair of killer heels that plague me. And what a search it is, as apparently my taste in shoes is exclusively the most exquisite and completely unaffordable options that are utterly gorgeous…

I lust these Prada pumps with that beautiful flower heel detail:

and if I actually wanted a strappy shoe, this would be ideal:

and a pair of Louboutin’s that are so basic yet beautiful and the very definition of perfection:

(all from Neiman Marcus)

This somehow led me into a search for the perfect shoes in general. As in, shoes I might be able to wear on a regular basis (even in nyc) without dying. And I would probably be ever so happy and never ever take off these Salvatore Ferragamo flats. Understated, simple, elegant, classic, classy, adorable and from what I’ve read, ever so comfortable and stylish, I may just put in the effort and invest for something that may be my essential item.

(image from Fabsugar)

Lately, I’ve been wasting a lot of time watching TV shows online and other assorted mindless things just to kill time. I’ve still got two AP tests left to go, but only art history requires a bit of studying that I’m not excited to do. I always get this way AP test season, it seems.

Everything is so incredibly unchallenging that I lack the motivation to really accomplish any of things I meant to do. I need another job for the summer–preferably one that concerns a bit more mental exercise and doesn’t pay the minimal amount above the minimum wage.

Other things that I need to do: post on Wardrobe remix again. If nothing else, it’s an interesting visual diary. Get on this query letter writing and get around to actually submitting novel proposal. Even if it fails–at least there will be something to look forward to and hope for.

My life in a nutshell: at least there will be something to hope for. No matter how impossible it may seem. And after all–isn’t that what keeps us going? This hope.

Fuck it. Maybe that should be my new ideology. There are certainly things that are just out of my control and maybe hoping to change it will make a difference, maybe actually doing something about it will make a difference. Does it really even matter? I hate going over these same ideas over and over again. Time to find something new and exciting to write about. My life has become yet again as mundane as the Sunday cartoons.

It’s funny how sometimes the littlest things, the silliest things, the things that seem like they would be so utterly insignificant can sometimes carry so much more. Sometimes so much weight, relieve so much tension and emotion and create a change, a noticeable change inside that seem like it’ll be enough to influence what happens around it. More on this, later, perhaps. All i know is that I’m no longer afraid to live–and I should have never been.

-everything can change

-wishing won’t make a difference

-the little things matter

-try something new

-the best things happen when you don’t know what’s going on

-that moment won’t last. so cherish it, and live in it.

-don’t make goals in abstracts–but those little concrete things will add up.

-just do it.

(inspired by the aptly titled…things I  have learned in my life so far)

get me away from here, I’m dying.

I thought this would stop being relevant once, you know, college acceptances came around. I thought that life would become magically easier and wonderful after that. Everything would work out exactly the way it should–there would be no indecision, no fear and doubts, no financial concerns. The last few months I’d spend in San Diego would be indulging myself and surrounding myself with my friends and doing all the things I love, while preparing and waiting for that threshold into the life I’ve always dreamed of.

Obviously, life doesn’t work like that. And now, just as much as before, I find myself repeating this song, this mantra. Only without the conviction and optimism of a beautiful future, so much as reassurance, and protection against disappointment. At the very least, I tell myself, I’ll have this. I’ll believe in happy endings and always cry at endings. It’s so relevant. Now, before, always.

But–where is the part, when the boy, with the winning smile and naivety succeeds?

This is no declaration, I just thought I’d let you know, goodbye.

Today, as I wandered around the aisles of Bookstar aimlessly in pretense of customer greeting/reshelves, I spotted something (or rather, someone) in an aisle that made me stop in my hurried mission, remember that what I needed to accomplish, and rush to finish it, hoping that she would remain when I returned. Of course, on the way, I ran into an acquaintance who wanted to chat. And after attempting to rush away from that, I finally returned to her browsing form and complemented her outfit/did my customer service job.

And why, was I so enchanted by this stranger? For no other reason than the fact that she was dressed in headband to platform mary janes gothic lolita…and looking so adorable in it. I’ve never actually met anyone in real life who dressed loli, and this was such a lovely surprise. I couldn’t really strike up a conversation as I had other work to do and directed her to a section, then wandered back to the cash register, counting chocolate bars (not to pass time! But an assigned task).

Eventually she came up to check out…and I managed to make my interest in lolita clear and gave her my email for potential contact. It was magical. The high point of my day…

Which now, seems a bit pathetic, doesn’t it?

The other high point is that my massive order from trendyblanks.com (incredible site that sells AA clothing at ridiculously low wholesale prices) arrived. With a number of things missing and a few things wrong, but I can live with it. Damn it, american apparel, why must you misinterpret so many of your clothes/colors online? They make raspberry look far from the eye blinding bright magenta that it is. It’s a little upsetting, but who knows, maybe this will make me finally able to step out the door in…ugh. I can’t really bear of think of it.

Still plagued by college indecision, doubt and a sense of hopelessness.

In our brief half hearted discussion of Grendel today, I came to the conclusion that I am probably a nihilist. All the better.